Man's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house - mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
Monday, April 18, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Ten Points to Ponder
1] Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble, but it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path throughout.
2] So a Car's WINDSHIELD is so large & the Rear view Mirror is so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So, Look Ahead and Move on.
3] Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.
4] All things in life are temporary. If going well, enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going wrong, don't worry, they can't last long either.
5] Old Friends are Gold! New Friends are Diamond! If you get a Diamond, don't forget the Gold! Because to hold a Diamond, you always need a Base of Gold!
6] Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, "Relax, it's just a bend, not the end!
7] When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.
8] A blind person asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?" He replied: "Yes, losing your vision!"
9] When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them, and sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you.
10] WORRYING does not take away tomorrow's TROUBLES, it takes away today's PEACE.
2] So a Car's WINDSHIELD is so large & the Rear view Mirror is so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So, Look Ahead and Move on.
3] Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.
4] All things in life are temporary. If going well, enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going wrong, don't worry, they can't last long either.
5] Old Friends are Gold! New Friends are Diamond! If you get a Diamond, don't forget the Gold! Because to hold a Diamond, you always need a Base of Gold!
6] Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, "Relax, it's just a bend, not the end!
7] When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.
8] A blind person asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?" He replied: "Yes, losing your vision!"
9] When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them, and sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you.
10] WORRYING does not take away tomorrow's TROUBLES, it takes away today's PEACE.
How wasteful the older generaton was....
I "borrowed" this from "Coffee with the Hermit's" blog because it is well worth repeating.
How Wasteful the Older Generation Was ...
In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment. The woman apologized to him and explained, “We didn’t have the green thing back in my day.”The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. The former generation did not care enough to save our environment."
He was right, that generation didn’t have the green thing in its day. Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
But they didn’t have the green thing back in that customer's day.
In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks.
But she was right. They didn’t have the green thing in her day.
Back then, they washed the baby’s diapers because they didn’t have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts – wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that old lady is right, they didn’t have the green thing back in her day.
Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a hankerchief, not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn’t have electric machines to do everything for you.When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.
Back then, they didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she’s right, they didn’t have the green thing back then.
They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But they didn’t have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus insteadof turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old folks were just because they didn't have the green thing back then?
How Wasteful the Older Generation Was ...
In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren’t good for the environment. The woman apologized to him and explained, “We didn’t have the green thing back in my day.”The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. The former generation did not care enough to save our environment."
He was right, that generation didn’t have the green thing in its day. Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
But they didn’t have the green thing back in that customer's day.
In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks.
But she was right. They didn’t have the green thing in her day.
Back then, they washed the baby’s diapers because they didn’t have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts – wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that old lady is right, they didn’t have the green thing back in her day.
Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a hankerchief, not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn’t have electric machines to do everything for you.When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.
Back then, they didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she’s right, they didn’t have the green thing back then.
They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But they didn’t have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus insteadof turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old folks were just because they didn't have the green thing back then?
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Neither Blonde nor Female.... (This one's for the girls!)
These contractors are installing steel pillars in concrete to stop vehicles from parking on the pavement outside a Sports Bar downtown. They are now in the process of cleaning up at the end of the day and anxious to go home.
How long do you think it'll be before they realize where they parked their truck?
Monday, April 11, 2011
A New Relgion
Just when I thought I heard it all....
A group of self-confessed radical pirates are pinning their hopes on gaining official recognition of their own unique belief system. The founders of the Missionary Church of Kopimism – who hold CTRL+C and CTRL+V as sacred symbols – hope that along with this acceptance will come harmony, not just with each other, but also with the police.
‘Thou shall not steal’ is one of the most well-known of the Ten Commandments. Although most familiar to those in Christian circles, its message is universal and cuts across most religious boundaries. But while stealing – taking another’s property and therefore depriving him of it – is widely frowned upon, some have a wider definition for the word.
Make no mistake, if the entertainment industries were God passing their sacred rulings to Moses, there would have almost certainly been one more – Thou Shalt Not Copy. But for the followers of a brand new religion in Sweden, this commandment would be against everything they believe in.
Make no mistake, if the entertainment industries were God passing their sacred rulings to Moses, there would have almost certainly been one more – Thou Shalt Not Copy. But for the followers of a brand new religion in Sweden, this commandment would be against everything they believe in.
The congregation at Missionary Kopimistsamfundet – The Missionary Church of Kopimism – believe that copying is to be embraced by religion and they hope that very shortly this way of life will be officially accepted by the authorities.
FOR MORE OF THE STORY CLICK HERE
Now think about this, they SEEM to be serious. Although so do some of those who 'worship' the spaghetti monster....which brings up the question: What is a religion? Who should determine if some belief system should or should not be one? And if we think WE are qualified to do so, then what should we say when someone else thinks OUR religion is NOT a "real" religion?
I know, pretty deep for this early in the day! lol!
A group of self-confessed radical pirates are pinning their hopes on gaining official recognition of their own unique belief system. The founders of the Missionary Church of Kopimism – who hold CTRL+C and CTRL+V as sacred symbols – hope that along with this acceptance will come harmony, not just with each other, but also with the police.
‘Thou shall not steal’ is one of the most well-known of the Ten Commandments. Although most familiar to those in Christian circles, its message is universal and cuts across most religious boundaries. But while stealing – taking another’s property and therefore depriving him of it – is widely frowned upon, some have a wider definition for the word.
Make no mistake, if the entertainment industries were God passing their sacred rulings to Moses, there would have almost certainly been one more – Thou Shalt Not Copy. But for the followers of a brand new religion in Sweden, this commandment would be against everything they believe in.
Make no mistake, if the entertainment industries were God passing their sacred rulings to Moses, there would have almost certainly been one more – Thou Shalt Not Copy. But for the followers of a brand new religion in Sweden, this commandment would be against everything they believe in.
The congregation at Missionary Kopimistsamfundet – The Missionary Church of Kopimism – believe that copying is to be embraced by religion and they hope that very shortly this way of life will be officially accepted by the authorities.
FOR MORE OF THE STORY CLICK HERE
Now think about this, they SEEM to be serious. Although so do some of those who 'worship' the spaghetti monster....which brings up the question: What is a religion? Who should determine if some belief system should or should not be one? And if we think WE are qualified to do so, then what should we say when someone else thinks OUR religion is NOT a "real" religion?
I know, pretty deep for this early in the day! lol!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Today I may just piss you off
I just got done reading an article in my schools paper, well an editorial point of view letter really.... on homosexuality.
They claimed that homosexuals are "born that way". Just as heterosexuals are. However, they imply that science supports this. Sorry folks but the science, heck even the evolutionary theory, does NOT support this.
They also said that the word "abomination" had a different meaning back then: it meant "not natural", and was used for other things as well such as shellfish, pork, mixing different fabrics. True.
However, let's remember that the bible is a set of standards which define according to God; what is and isn't acceptable. period.
And then she warned to NOT take a "single" scripture and base your belief on it. Sorry honey but people who do choose to make bible standards their own do not do this.
Now I actually can see her point of view, but I think she is being way to simplistic which is what she is accusing others of doing.
First science teaches us that the human species have a male and female and one of each is needed to reproduce the species. period. Gotta have one of each. Sex is the method of reproduction. period.
So scientifically, if someone is "inclined" towards the same sex FOR sex: they are mutations. Yep! there I said it. They are "broken" somehow. They don't work the same as "normal" specimens of the human species. Which according to the writer of the article; is what "abomination" means. So it seems that science and the bible agree on this.
Now if they are NOT born that way, then it's NOT genetic and that is where the "choice" comes in. To me; attraction lies with the senses and chemical compatibility, lot's of physical stuff going on. If I smell a guy who smells good even after working hard; I'm attracted. If a guy has sparkling blue or green eyes - I'm attracted. If a guy has an awesomely engaging accent -I'm totally attracted. Attraction being: I like something about that person -it attracts me to either "look" some more or get to know that person some more.
Well guess what: we are attracted not only for sex but for friendships too. I may see someone who does a good deed and that attracts me. I may see someone laugh and that attracts me. I once read Dolly Parton's autobiography and told my husband after reading it that I would "totally go gay for Dolly". Because through her book I became attracted to her deeply honest approach to life and good heartedness. And while I wouldn't have sex with Dolly, I would love to meet her in person and become her friend. And for the record, I'd love to become friends with Brad Pitt too but I don't want to have sex with him.
What I'm saying is that the desire for sex with someone specific only comes AFTER the attraction and ONLY if one of two things: you are already feeling the effects of your hormonal cycle -in which case it has NOTHING to do with anyone else; OR you have gotten to know this person and your attraction has deepened to wanting to share something more intimate with that person. At any time you CAN choose to stop or go further. There is such a thing as free will and self control. (and this goes for everyone no matter what their sexual orientation is)
Go into a bar -ANY bar, and look around: 99% of the people who are there looking for a booty call have ALREADY decided they were gonna get laid before they even stepped into the bar or looked at any person there.
I don't care of you are hetero or homosexual. That is just how it is.
So if you are gonna fall on "being born that way" get your facts straight: the very physiology of our bodies say we are a heterosexual species.
Now on to those "bible thumpers". She had a point but used it the wrong way. The bible DOES set out standards. However, if you make the decision to live by those standards: fine that is your choice BUT do not try to force another person to do the same! Do as the bible states: leave them to their own decisions and desires. It's that simple! period. So DO indeed get off your high horse and let them make their own decisions!
So let's be honest with ourselves. Just because you may be attracted to someone, it doesn't mean you have to have sex with that person. Just because you decide to follow a specific standard, doesn't mean everyone is going to. Whether you feel you are heterosexual or homsexual, a little thing called 'self-control' has been tried and does work. And btw, the bible states that ANY sex outside of marriage is an abomination -that includes heterosexual activities too. So all you heterosexuals out there having sex without being married are an 'abomination' too!
Love for God, integrity, and self esteem keeps your pants on if what you are looking for is a deep meaningful relationship and if you decide to follow bible standards.
And frankly, I could care less who that partner IS or what their sex IS! Keep it personal. I don't want to hear about homosexual activities any more than I want to hear about heterosexual ones!!!
So basically: keep your sex life to yourself and I'll do the same. "Tolerance" works both ways.
They claimed that homosexuals are "born that way". Just as heterosexuals are. However, they imply that science supports this. Sorry folks but the science, heck even the evolutionary theory, does NOT support this.
They also said that the word "abomination" had a different meaning back then: it meant "not natural", and was used for other things as well such as shellfish, pork, mixing different fabrics. True.
However, let's remember that the bible is a set of standards which define according to God; what is and isn't acceptable. period.
And then she warned to NOT take a "single" scripture and base your belief on it. Sorry honey but people who do choose to make bible standards their own do not do this.
Now I actually can see her point of view, but I think she is being way to simplistic which is what she is accusing others of doing.
First science teaches us that the human species have a male and female and one of each is needed to reproduce the species. period. Gotta have one of each. Sex is the method of reproduction. period.
So scientifically, if someone is "inclined" towards the same sex FOR sex: they are mutations. Yep! there I said it. They are "broken" somehow. They don't work the same as "normal" specimens of the human species. Which according to the writer of the article; is what "abomination" means. So it seems that science and the bible agree on this.
Now if they are NOT born that way, then it's NOT genetic and that is where the "choice" comes in. To me; attraction lies with the senses and chemical compatibility, lot's of physical stuff going on. If I smell a guy who smells good even after working hard; I'm attracted. If a guy has sparkling blue or green eyes - I'm attracted. If a guy has an awesomely engaging accent -I'm totally attracted. Attraction being: I like something about that person -it attracts me to either "look" some more or get to know that person some more.
Well guess what: we are attracted not only for sex but for friendships too. I may see someone who does a good deed and that attracts me. I may see someone laugh and that attracts me. I once read Dolly Parton's autobiography and told my husband after reading it that I would "totally go gay for Dolly". Because through her book I became attracted to her deeply honest approach to life and good heartedness. And while I wouldn't have sex with Dolly, I would love to meet her in person and become her friend. And for the record, I'd love to become friends with Brad Pitt too but I don't want to have sex with him.
What I'm saying is that the desire for sex with someone specific only comes AFTER the attraction and ONLY if one of two things: you are already feeling the effects of your hormonal cycle -in which case it has NOTHING to do with anyone else; OR you have gotten to know this person and your attraction has deepened to wanting to share something more intimate with that person. At any time you CAN choose to stop or go further. There is such a thing as free will and self control. (and this goes for everyone no matter what their sexual orientation is)
Go into a bar -ANY bar, and look around: 99% of the people who are there looking for a booty call have ALREADY decided they were gonna get laid before they even stepped into the bar or looked at any person there.
I don't care of you are hetero or homosexual. That is just how it is.
So if you are gonna fall on "being born that way" get your facts straight: the very physiology of our bodies say we are a heterosexual species.
Now on to those "bible thumpers". She had a point but used it the wrong way. The bible DOES set out standards. However, if you make the decision to live by those standards: fine that is your choice BUT do not try to force another person to do the same! Do as the bible states: leave them to their own decisions and desires. It's that simple! period. So DO indeed get off your high horse and let them make their own decisions!
So let's be honest with ourselves. Just because you may be attracted to someone, it doesn't mean you have to have sex with that person. Just because you decide to follow a specific standard, doesn't mean everyone is going to. Whether you feel you are heterosexual or homsexual, a little thing called 'self-control' has been tried and does work. And btw, the bible states that ANY sex outside of marriage is an abomination -that includes heterosexual activities too. So all you heterosexuals out there having sex without being married are an 'abomination' too!
Love for God, integrity, and self esteem keeps your pants on if what you are looking for is a deep meaningful relationship and if you decide to follow bible standards.
And frankly, I could care less who that partner IS or what their sex IS! Keep it personal. I don't want to hear about homosexual activities any more than I want to hear about heterosexual ones!!!
So basically: keep your sex life to yourself and I'll do the same. "Tolerance" works both ways.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Take this "FUN" quiz and see if you are "all growed up"! (I am)
1. your houseplants are alive and you can't smoke any of them.
2. having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. you keep more food than beer in the refrigerator.
4. 6:00am is when you get up instead of go to bed.
5. you hear your favorite song in the elevator.
6. you watch the weather channel.
7. your friends "marry" and "divorce" instead of "hook up" and "break up"
8. you go from 130 days of vacation time to 14 vacation days.
9. jeans and a sweater no longer qualify for "dressed up".
10. you're the one calling the police about them darn kids down the street playing their music too loud.
11. older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. you don't know what time taco bell closes anymore.
13. your car insurance goes down and car payments go up.
14. you feed your dog science diet instead of mcdonald leftovers.
15. sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. you take naps.
17. dinner and a movie are the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. eating a whole basket of chicken wings at 3am would severely upset, instead of settles, your stomach.
19. you go to the drug for antacids and ibuprofen instead of condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. you actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
21. "I just can't drink like I use to" replaces "I'm never gonna drink like that again".
22. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
23. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit"
24. you drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. when you find out a friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of saying "oh shit, what happened"
BONUS
26. you desperately try to find just one of these that does not fit you but cannot find any way to save your sorry ass....now go on and share this with others like us in the same boat but don't know it. :D
2. having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. you keep more food than beer in the refrigerator.
4. 6:00am is when you get up instead of go to bed.
5. you hear your favorite song in the elevator.
6. you watch the weather channel.
7. your friends "marry" and "divorce" instead of "hook up" and "break up"
8. you go from 130 days of vacation time to 14 vacation days.
9. jeans and a sweater no longer qualify for "dressed up".
10. you're the one calling the police about them darn kids down the street playing their music too loud.
11. older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. you don't know what time taco bell closes anymore.
13. your car insurance goes down and car payments go up.
14. you feed your dog science diet instead of mcdonald leftovers.
15. sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. you take naps.
17. dinner and a movie are the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. eating a whole basket of chicken wings at 3am would severely upset, instead of settles, your stomach.
19. you go to the drug for antacids and ibuprofen instead of condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. you actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
21. "I just can't drink like I use to" replaces "I'm never gonna drink like that again".
22. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
23. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit"
24. you drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. when you find out a friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of saying "oh shit, what happened"
BONUS
26. you desperately try to find just one of these that does not fit you but cannot find any way to save your sorry ass....now go on and share this with others like us in the same boat but don't know it. :D
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