A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends Emails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Cash no longer king, more like a red headed step child:
This summer, the State Legislature and Governor of Louisiana passed a law that bans individuals and businesses from transacting in cash if they are considered a “secondhand dealer”. House Bill 195 of the 2011 Regular Session (Act 389) broadly defines a secondhand dealer to include “… Anyone, other than a non-profit entity, who buys, sells, trades in or otherwise acquires or disposes of junk or used or secondhand property more frequently than once per month from any other person, other than a non-profit entity, shall be deemed as being in the business of a secondhand dealer. ” The law then states that “A secondhand dealer shall not enter into any cash transactions in payment for the purchase of junk or used or secondhand property.
more at the site, just click the words above. But hey, if they are going to strong arm lemonade stands of little girls, I am not surprised at this.
more at the site, just click the words above. But hey, if they are going to strong arm lemonade stands of little girls, I am not surprised at this.
Charities and where your donations really go:
As you open your pockets for the next natural disaster, please keep these facts in mind:
The American Red Cross President and CEO Marsha J. Evans salary for the year was $651,957 plus expenses.
The United Way President Brian Gallagher receives a $375,000 base salary along with numerous expense benefits.
UNICEF CEO Caryl M. Stern receives $1,200,000 per year (100k per month) plus all expenses including a ROLLS ROYCE. Less than 5 cents of your donated dollar goes to the cause!
The Salvation Army's Commissioner Todd Bassett receives a salary of only $13,000 per year (plus housing) for managing this $2 billion dollar organization. 96 percent of donated dollars go to the cause!
The American Legion National Commander receives a $0.00 zero salary. Your donations go to help Veterans and their families and youth!
The Veterans of Foreign Wars National Commander receives a $0.00 zero salary. Your donations go to help Veterans and their families and youth!
The Disabled American Veterans National Commander receives a $0.00 zero salary. Your donations go to help Veterans and their families and youth!
The Military Order of Purple Hearts National Commander receives a $0.00 zero salary. Your donations go to help Veterans and their families and youth!
The Vietnam Veterans Association National Commander receives a $0.00 zero salary. Your donations go to help Veterans and their families and youth!
The American Red Cross President and CEO Marsha J. Evans salary for the year was $651,957 plus expenses.
The United Way President Brian Gallagher receives a $375,000 base salary along with numerous expense benefits.
UNICEF CEO Caryl M. Stern receives $1,200,000 per year (100k per month) plus all expenses including a ROLLS ROYCE. Less than 5 cents of your donated dollar goes to the cause!
The Salvation Army's Commissioner Todd Bassett receives a salary of only $13,000 per year (plus housing) for managing this $2 billion dollar organization. 96 percent of donated dollars go to the cause!
The American Legion National Commander receives a $0.00 zero salary. Your donations go to help Veterans and their families and youth!
The Veterans of Foreign Wars National Commander receives a $0.00 zero salary. Your donations go to help Veterans and their families and youth!
The Disabled American Veterans National Commander receives a $0.00 zero salary. Your donations go to help Veterans and their families and youth!
The Military Order of Purple Hearts National Commander receives a $0.00 zero salary. Your donations go to help Veterans and their families and youth!
The Vietnam Veterans Association National Commander receives a $0.00 zero salary. Your donations go to help Veterans and their families and youth!
Friday, October 14, 2011
redneck church
Redneck Church
1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if....
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.
4. You K now You're in a Redneck Church if...
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub..
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
14.. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".
1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if....
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.
4. You K now You're in a Redneck Church if...
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub..
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
14.. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".
Friday, October 7, 2011
This lady is funny
teenage daughter vs mother
never send a man to the grocery store with a numbered list
if you go to youtube, she has a few more videos
never send a man to the grocery store with a numbered list
if you go to youtube, she has a few more videos
Change your Underwear
Change your Underwear
There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors and afterward told the first mate
that his men smelled bad...
The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if his men changed underwear occasionally.
The first mate responded,
"Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced,
"The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."
He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski
and Brown, you change with Schultz."
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Someone may come along and promise "Change",
but Don't count on things smelling any better!
There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors and afterward told the first mate
that his men smelled bad...
The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if his men changed underwear occasionally.
The first mate responded,
"Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced,
"The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."
He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski
and Brown, you change with Schultz."
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Someone may come along and promise "Change",
but Don't count on things smelling any better!
Life before computers
Life Before Computers
Memory was something you lost with age.
An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was on a piano.
A web was a spiders home.
A virus was the flu.
A CD was a bank account.
A hard drive was a long road trip.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
If you had a 3½ inch floppy, you just hoped nobody found out.
Memory was something you lost with age.
An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was on a piano.
A web was a spiders home.
A virus was the flu.
A CD was a bank account.
A hard drive was a long road trip.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
If you had a 3½ inch floppy, you just hoped nobody found out.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15.
Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you R supposed to have a strong mind:
7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.
I could read all but one word but I figure it's because I'm a tad dyslexic :)
7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.
I could read all but one word but I figure it's because I'm a tad dyslexic :)
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
I have added a new button
I added a new link via a cute little 'button' over there (points to the right).
It is for the blog "Front Porch Indiana" and you should really go check it out. She has some of the MOST adorable "children".
By "children" I mean: sheep and alpacas. Very cute.
It is for the blog "Front Porch Indiana" and you should really go check it out. She has some of the MOST adorable "children".
By "children" I mean: sheep and alpacas. Very cute.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
A little scientific humor
another email from my MOM!!!
CAUTION: MAY CAUSE DRINK TO BLOW OUT YOUR NOSE SO DRINK WISELY!
A little scientific humor for you.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.
In other words, send it to everyone!
(and God love that pig!)
CAUTION: MAY CAUSE DRINK TO BLOW OUT YOUR NOSE SO DRINK WISELY!
A little scientific humor for you.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle.
In other words, send it to everyone!
(and God love that pig!)
Monday, October 3, 2011
U.S. Tax Revenue Understood
Rural Revolution had this on her blog today and I thought I would snag it and share; it really puts the US budget in perspective.
U.S. Tax Revenue Understood
U.S. Tax Revenue: $2,170,000,000,000 (trillion)
Federal Budget: $3,820,000,000,000 (trillion)
New Debt: $1,650,000,000,000 (trillion)
National Debt: $14,271,000,000,000 (trillion)
Recent budget cut: $38,500,000,000 (billion)
Now let's remove eight zeros and pretend it's a household budget.
Annual family income: $21,700
Money the family spent: $38,200
New debt on the credit card: $16,500
Outstanding balance on the credit card: $142,710
Total budget cuts: $385
NOW does it make sense?
U.S. Tax Revenue Understood
U.S. Tax Revenue: $2,170,000,000,000 (trillion)
Federal Budget: $3,820,000,000,000 (trillion)
New Debt: $1,650,000,000,000 (trillion)
National Debt: $14,271,000,000,000 (trillion)
Recent budget cut: $38,500,000,000 (billion)
Now let's remove eight zeros and pretend it's a household budget.
Annual family income: $21,700
Money the family spent: $38,200
New debt on the credit card: $16,500
Outstanding balance on the credit card: $142,710
Total budget cuts: $385
NOW does it make sense?
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Texting for Seniors
Teens have theirs, now seniors have their own texting codes.
I thought the following listing was appropriate ... after all the kids have
all their little codes...like BFF, LOL, etc. So here are some codes for
seniors:
* ATD - At the Doctor's
* BFF - Best Friends Funeral
* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM - Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
* DWI - Driving While Incontinent
* FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* FYI - Found Your Insulin
* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
* IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL - Living on Lipitor
* LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
* OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
* TOT - Texting on Toilet
* TTYL - Talk to You Louder
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
* WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
* WTP - Where're the Prunes
* WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in)
I thought the following listing was appropriate ... after all the kids have
all their little codes...like BFF, LOL, etc. So here are some codes for
seniors:
* ATD - At the Doctor's
* BFF - Best Friends Funeral
* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* CBM - Covered by Medicare
* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
* DWI - Driving While Incontinent
* FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* FYI - Found Your Insulin
* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
* GHA - Got Heartburn Again
* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
* IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
* LOL - Living on Lipitor
* LWO - Lawrence Welk's On
* OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
* ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
* TOT - Texting on Toilet
* TTYL - Talk to You Louder
* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
* WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
* WTP - Where're the Prunes
* WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in)
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