Tuesday, August 31, 2010

a short story on emotional survival

My Dearest,

Here it is, friday night. I am waiting for you to bring the kids by. You're a no-show.

I know you will probably never see, let alone read, this.

God, I miss you so much. My whole soul is gone. I have no spirit left. You have completely broken me.

I never thought you of all people would do it. All I have are tears. And pain.

You are suppose to be here to comfort me and hold me and tell me it's gonna be ok. But, you're not here. I thought I had finally found someone who loved me for me. Wrong again. I thought when said our vows, that they meant something....no matter what. Come hell or high water, we would be there for each other. Our vows were suppose to be forever.

Together -I believed nothing could stand in our way.

Your reasons for betraying me are flimsy at best. If only you would have TALKED with me.... we could have worked it out.

I use to say it didn't bother me that you weren't home, well it did. I said that so that you wouldn't feel guilty.

How many times did I try to talk to you??? Tried to get you to talk with me??? You sold us short and although you say you have tried, you didn't to extent you were capable....you just didn't WANT to try. And there lies the truth. You have never really wanted this to work....your scheming started long ago. Be honest with yourself...all those excuses you gave me....just a smokescreen. You simply never wanted this. Why did you even bother? I mean really, you would have saved us all a heap of pain if you would of just told me the truth.

I know that nothing I say here will change your mind, nor will you feel any guilt over what you have done. Nor will you feel the need to correct it in any way. I just hope that someday, you will understand where I am coming from; but, I hope you don't have to go through what I am going through. I would not wish this on anyone.

Since you won't ever see this, I guess I can say what I want to.

I love you. And although you have totally shattered my heart and soul, I will always love you. You are my other half, you are my reason for living. And most of all, you can never be replaced. I wish you would tell me your secret to turning off love. It's like you have a switch that you flipped.

I pray that this love doesn't change to hate...because then instead of just feeling dead, I would be dead.

There is so much more I want to say to you. I want to look in your eyes and tell you how much I love you. But because I know how you feel, I can't even look at you... the pain is just too great. I see a much loved face; but, feel your anger and hate.

I thought I could handle this. But, I can't. You've made me soft. My love for you has made me weak. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

The best parts of me, those things that I like about myself, went with you when you left. I have NOTHING left.

The worst part is how stupid I feel. I fell hook, line and sinker. I NEVER gave up hope! I always thought we would work it out and the whole time you were lying to me. You had your little plan already. You were telling me not to give up hope and you were bailing at the same time.


Of course, you will probably start twisting this up and down and sideways so you don't have to face the truth. Or answer for all the harm you've done. And yes, it's true (it's true) that I have forgiven you; but, I cannot forget. Not when the pain is so bad so much of the time.

I don't know what to do. I don't know HOW to pick up the pieces and put them back together again. I don't even know how I keep breathing each day. I don't know how to stop the pain. I don't know how to live again. I can't find any peace. I can't find sleep. I can't even find myself. I am so lost without you.

I am ashamed that I had let myself become so attached. I should have known better. Just look at my past. I am ashamed that I let myself believe in another person. I am ashamed that I gave all of myself. I am ashamed that I dared to think that I could mean something to someone. I would rather die than go
through this.

My Dearest,

I am whole again –without you. My heart and soul are mended. My back is straight and strong. My eyes look forward. My mouth smiles with warmth.

By the strength and grace from God, I am SO over you.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

confessions of a pack rat

yes, I am a pack rat. I fully have always disclosed this.

And now I know why. Yes, there are physical things going on in the brain, our brains do indeed work differently. We tend to overly attach meaning to 'things'. Everything we 'keep' has a sentimental value to it.

We love and hate those sentiments.

Those 'memories'.

Those 'moments' we've tried to freeze in time.

We have not yet learned that time keeps moving forward. Oh but we can fake 'moving forward' real well. But we will go back and pick up one of our treasures and relive past events.

We will then pack up our various treasures and probably not even look or think about them (too much) until the day we unpack that particular box and then relive those bitter sweet memories.

And as the years go by, we simply keep adding to our treasures, not really wanting to 'let go' of the past; even if it's already let go of us.

So yesterday and today I've been "unpacking" a LOT of my boxes (yes I know I moved over a year ago...I'm a pack rat!) and I had to stop. The memories were just TOO strong: the love, laughter, tears, and pain all came rushing back as if I WAS in 'yesterday'. I couldn't handle it anymore.

I found so many things that made me smile: my eldest daughters drawing of a nicknack I have, very well done too; the home made "pea-knuckle" board my ex husband and I used to use playing cards -something I'll never use again most likely; books I bought for one or another of my kids; and other things. Things that have no value at all; I wouldn't get a penny for them on ebay nor would any one claim them on freecycle -but so very valuable to ME.

These treasures remind me that despite the lies and deceptions and disloyalty; we did have some great moments. And even though it will be only me that treasure them; they will be treasured.

So the next time someone you love or come across has a whole lot of what you'd think is junk; remember -it goes way beyond just the things; it goes into their very heart of hearts and has value.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

country grandma

Now for my mom's mom; my country grandma! It was a real adventure going to visit grandma! She lived on 40 acres right next to some federal land; so we had plenty of room to roam! (and get chased by bears!)

This is the grandma who let us pick out our own chicken in the spring when she would get an order of 100 chicks in each year and of course, we always knew just which one was "ours" (lol!) each time we came to visit. I don't know how many times I would go into the chicken coop and walk around with the chickens. I had a blast catching grasshoppers and feeding them to the chickens.

Now come the end of summer, we would go up to visit and we would have a big grilled chicken dinner! Yep, we got to help her kill "our" chickens. We held them steady while she cut their heads off. A modified plastic gallon milk jug helped also. She would slide the head of the chicken though the 'mouth' of the jug from the inside (the bottom of the jug was cut away) and we would hold the body of the chicken, she would grasp the head with one hand and cut it's neck with a wickedly huge knife with the other hand. Then we would toss them in the air and they would run around for a bit with their head cut off and we would have to chase them down. We also plucked our own chicken!

This is the grandma with no bathroom indoors. She had water to the kitchen but an outhouse out behind her house. (it was a two seater but only one person used it at a time)

This is the grandma who taught me how to tell when a berry was ripe. And boy did we pick some berries! Blackberries, blueberries, raspberries! YUM! And grandma could make some pies!! My favorite of hers was blueberry! I can still remember the taste.

I must also confess that this is the grandma that I inherited my "ratapackotosis" from; yeah we saved everything.... although I am not up to saving bread wrappers! I'm pretty sure that since she has moved from there and now lives in a real city, she no longer 'saves' like she use to. But I do enough for both of us!

This is the grandma I learned perseverance from. She dug out and built a two story addition onto her home by hand by herself. Laying each cinder block and hammering each nail. The basement was block and the top floor was wood. It was a nice addition! Not huge but doubled her small house size at least.

She is a fiery little domino who does not quit for anything, not even heart surgery! (we found out AFTER it was done)

I am very blessed to have such a grandma in my life! I'm just glad I was smart enough to learn from her!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

city gramma

I was blessed to have four grandmothers however I'd like to pay honor to my "city" gramma (dad's mom).

Now one would think that it would have been my country grandma that spiked my interest in gardening but it wasn't. I wasn't allowed in her garden. I could go any where else, chicken coop or even keep an eye on her "wild" asparagus growing in the front field; but going into the garden was a no no.

It was my city gramma that really spiked my interest in gardening. She would buy me every year a small "green pepper starter kit". And every year I would grow green peppers. I managed to wheel and deal and whine my way for a few feet of growing space from my mom in the back yard.

One small spot was in the raised bed right behind the house and by the back door. It held my six pepper plants perfectly. Mom planted some strawberry plants there also. I loved that garden.

When I was a bit older, I confiscated a small three foot long and about 8 inch wide strip of yard against the garage for some snapdragons. It was for a trial run that first year but they looked so good, I was allowed to grow them every year and yep it was my city gramma who bought me the seeds.

Did you notice I spell gramma for my city gramma?

Gramma lived in the heart of Flint Michigan ...in the middle of drive by shootings and home invasions. She was left alone thankfully. It was a time when even the 'bad guys' had some respect for the elderly.

I remember racing hot wheels up and down her side walk and talk the city bus to go visit her with my older brother.

And while my dad didn't like us visiting with her without him, we did it anyways.

Gramma was great! She charmed squirrels to come knock on her door for acorn and other nut treats: both the front and back doors. She had a huge basement that was our play room and a small pantry off in one corner with home canned goods in it. Lot's of pickles.

In her small back yard she had a small metal shed a couple trees not really right for climbing and a TALL fence in the back and down one side of the yard and a smaller fence on the "good neighbor" side of the yard. Thus we could see into the 'good' neighbor's yard but not the others.

When you walked out her back door, you could 'hang a left' and see where she had fenced off the very small area under her bathroom and back bedroom window. It must have only been about 5 feet wide and maybe at the most 17 feet long. But that was her garden.

Now in this old neighbor hood, all the trees were mature and it was a shady area but this small garden got plenty of sunlight for her to grow a few of her favorite things: green peppers, green beans, tomatoes, a few stalks of corn, and a cucumber or two. I think she even managed to grow some pumpkins and squash.

I could go in there and "check on" the plants looking for ripe and ready fruit or nasty ole bugs. The bugs I could pull off and toss over the fence for the birds to nibble on (I tossed them onto the side of the garden fence where there was a concrete sidewalk from the front yard).

But I could only report if I thought a fruit was ripe or not. Then Gramma would come and double check and it was, we harvested it together.

This love for growing your own food somehow stuck with me and I've always tried to have something growing in my home or yard.

I've also tried to instill this love into my kids; but I'm thinking that this modern world with all it's toys for kids has flushed out any patience for gardening. Being able to simply walk into a grocery store any time of the day or night now, gives kids and adults a false sense of security. They don't think about a time that may occur (sooner or later) where there won't be a grocery store around.

I now have a grandchild of my own. A grandson. And again I will attempt to instill a love for dirt and the things one can help to grow in it. I don't know if it will work, maybe -maybe not.

But I do hope to pass on this incredible gift given to me by my "City Gramma".

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Creation vs evolution

It always amuses me when an evolutionist mocks a creationist. Recently I saw this happen when a creationist asked: 'if man evolved from monkeys, what are there still monkeys'? Which I think is a legitimate question. However, for a different reason than what is normal.

Being a 'biologist', I have found that many creationists do not realize that science has changed the definition of 'evolution'. It's current definition is "a change of allele frequency in a population over time". However, scientists STILL assume a lot. They take this definition and expand it over MORE than just a population...and MORE than just a species.

I doubt any creationist will ever deny that there is variety and differences among individuals within a population and that the environment can drastically change a population's dynamics.

However, where the creationists have a problem is when science attempts to say that those changes go beyond species and "populations" (because science does not hold that individuals 'evolve') will keep changing until they are no longer the same species.

Now also scientists try to get around the "frogs from fish" or "humans from monkeys" by saying that these had a common ancestor; in other words, there was once an "organism" that had at least two offspring that were divergent from each other. Kinda like a woman who had two children, one dark haired and one light haired. Then these two 'offspring' kept diverging and diverging with each generation or every so many generations.... until one day, these 'cousins' looked so different from each other, they would be considered two different species.

However, the evidence shows that no matter how many offspring, the organisms are still the same. There was a ten year study with the E. coli bacteria and they were literally able to view thousands of generations; yet while they contend that they "saw" evolution because they found a new trait 'appear'; they still ended up with E. coli bacteria. And they have yet to show how that new trait appeared. (I jokingly say that God could have slipped it in)

Personally, I do think science needs to stick to more exact terms. Variation is simply variation. And they need to drop their faith in the word "evolution". Or redefine it clearly and then stick with that definition and do not expand it to include speculation and assumptions.

Finding that life shares many genes, does not equal evolution. Considering all life is made up of four basic nucleotides aka: building blocks, it would be expected from a creator. What a mind to conceive of using such a simple plan to build such complex organisms and such a variety of them. If 'evolution' were true, it would be expected that at least ONE of these would have 'evolved' or been discarded over the billions of years of life, especially if one was arguing that time is the reason we have so many changes and variety.

The fossil record also only shows when a specific organism lived at a specific time. Yet so many organisms have no fossil record to prior of 'transitional' forms. Also, saying that something similar looking yet complete within itself, is a transitional form, is bad science. We have MANY organisms NOW which look similar yet scientists do not claim they are 'kissing cousins' or closely related.

So science: get your act together and just keep finding facts. Quit speculating and assuming and quit applying terms to theories without evidence and quit stretching their definition beyond what it is.

and creationists; you also need to cool it! Find out exactly what science is CURRENTLY teaching before using half baked arguments that are out dated and against things science is not teaching or supporting.

Scientific knowledge keeps changing: both sides need to remember this!!!