Tuesday, August 31, 2010

a short story on emotional survival

My Dearest,

Here it is, friday night. I am waiting for you to bring the kids by. You're a no-show.

I know you will probably never see, let alone read, this.

God, I miss you so much. My whole soul is gone. I have no spirit left. You have completely broken me.

I never thought you of all people would do it. All I have are tears. And pain.

You are suppose to be here to comfort me and hold me and tell me it's gonna be ok. But, you're not here. I thought I had finally found someone who loved me for me. Wrong again. I thought when said our vows, that they meant something....no matter what. Come hell or high water, we would be there for each other. Our vows were suppose to be forever.

Together -I believed nothing could stand in our way.

Your reasons for betraying me are flimsy at best. If only you would have TALKED with me.... we could have worked it out.

I use to say it didn't bother me that you weren't home, well it did. I said that so that you wouldn't feel guilty.

How many times did I try to talk to you??? Tried to get you to talk with me??? You sold us short and although you say you have tried, you didn't to extent you were capable....you just didn't WANT to try. And there lies the truth. You have never really wanted this to work....your scheming started long ago. Be honest with yourself...all those excuses you gave me....just a smokescreen. You simply never wanted this. Why did you even bother? I mean really, you would have saved us all a heap of pain if you would of just told me the truth.

I know that nothing I say here will change your mind, nor will you feel any guilt over what you have done. Nor will you feel the need to correct it in any way. I just hope that someday, you will understand where I am coming from; but, I hope you don't have to go through what I am going through. I would not wish this on anyone.

Since you won't ever see this, I guess I can say what I want to.

I love you. And although you have totally shattered my heart and soul, I will always love you. You are my other half, you are my reason for living. And most of all, you can never be replaced. I wish you would tell me your secret to turning off love. It's like you have a switch that you flipped.

I pray that this love doesn't change to hate...because then instead of just feeling dead, I would be dead.

There is so much more I want to say to you. I want to look in your eyes and tell you how much I love you. But because I know how you feel, I can't even look at you... the pain is just too great. I see a much loved face; but, feel your anger and hate.

I thought I could handle this. But, I can't. You've made me soft. My love for you has made me weak. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

The best parts of me, those things that I like about myself, went with you when you left. I have NOTHING left.

The worst part is how stupid I feel. I fell hook, line and sinker. I NEVER gave up hope! I always thought we would work it out and the whole time you were lying to me. You had your little plan already. You were telling me not to give up hope and you were bailing at the same time.


Of course, you will probably start twisting this up and down and sideways so you don't have to face the truth. Or answer for all the harm you've done. And yes, it's true (it's true) that I have forgiven you; but, I cannot forget. Not when the pain is so bad so much of the time.

I don't know what to do. I don't know HOW to pick up the pieces and put them back together again. I don't even know how I keep breathing each day. I don't know how to stop the pain. I don't know how to live again. I can't find any peace. I can't find sleep. I can't even find myself. I am so lost without you.

I am ashamed that I had let myself become so attached. I should have known better. Just look at my past. I am ashamed that I let myself believe in another person. I am ashamed that I gave all of myself. I am ashamed that I dared to think that I could mean something to someone. I would rather die than go
through this.

My Dearest,

I am whole again –without you. My heart and soul are mended. My back is straight and strong. My eyes look forward. My mouth smiles with warmth.

By the strength and grace from God, I am SO over you.

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