Sunday, December 30, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
blogger has gone nuts
Looks like blogger has switched me to their new format. I can't even see my stats because of the ads they've inserted on the page.
ugh!
why do people have to go and ruin something when it does not need to be fixed??
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
an email from a friend
and I swear it was NOT me that sent her all these emails!!! LOL!
As we progress into 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan
Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!
Oh, and by the way...
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…
As we progress into 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan
Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!
Oh, and by the way...
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Is HSUS REALLY "for" the animals???? or just another company looking for profit?
[Humane Society of the United States]
In one of my yahoo groups, a member named Dean posted this (yes I am stealing it from him):
The HSUS is much like PETA. They take in millions of dollars every year but use this money to create new laws to reduce the rights of the average citizen to raise and keep livestock or pets for their own purposes.
.They're NOT a humane society,
.They don't focus on rescuing animals, and
.They use their donors' money to line their own pockets and attack our
way of life.
The majority of Americans (71% in fact) believe HSUS to be a collection of local humane societies. They would be wrong.
The net assets HSUS had at the end of 2009 was $187 Million. They released the fact that they have $2.6 Million of their tax free donation money placed in an employee retirement fund. They spent over $48 Million last year for fund raising dinners and other events to hob nob with the rich Hollywood celebrities and gather the mother load that these famous people are asked to donate.
If you are sending these people the requested donation of $19 per month which they ask for in their TV ad, then you should now be feeling like a dummy. They never got that far with me.
Less than 1% of their total donations goes toward helping any animal in any way. They do not own a single animal shelter and are not in the business of finding animals new homes as their ads suggest.
Below is a spoof ad film produced by people who are against the HSUS and their onion cutting tactics to get people to part with their hard earned money. I even know a few kids who worked during the summer to gather up money from odd jobs thinking that they were doing a good deed by sending this hard earned money to HSUS.
HSUS: Lawyers In Cages
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTrhQd9GHlE
Here is a site with more facts about the HSUS and their agenda.
http://protecttheharvest.com/
It seems like the people who really care about the earth, protecting the animals, and tending the land are being used to gather money which will later be used to destroy everything that they hold important.
Groups like these work like Monsanto and Tyson. If you give them money somewhere down the chain they will eventually own your soul and put you out of business or destroy your personal way of life.
I watched the show Houston SPCA on Animal planet and have never before seen a smoother job done of stealing livestock from farmers and ranchers. One complaint was supposedly reported about a mame goat and tyhe SPCA showed up with livestock trailers and the local police force to force compliance and removal of all animals on the premises.
There were no abused nor starved animals on the entire place but every animal was seized and hauled away just because of one goat with a bad front leg. I am not an educated Veteranarian with a degree but I could tell just from looking that the only thing wrong with the goat was that it had arthritis in it's knee as is common in the entire species.
Before the show was over the judge awarded custody of the LIVESTOCK to the SPCA who had already scattered them to the 4 winds and had them in the custody of their close friends within the week. The real owners were still going to legally contest the decision [supposed to be just a hearing] and the SPCA also tagged the owners in court with a Vet bill for over $5,000 and that wasn't counting feed and care. That was for vet inspection and the care of one old goat with an arthritic knee. Who could afford vet care for their livestock with standard fees like those?
In one of my yahoo groups, a member named Dean posted this (yes I am stealing it from him):
The HSUS is much like PETA. They take in millions of dollars every year but use this money to create new laws to reduce the rights of the average citizen to raise and keep livestock or pets for their own purposes.
.They're NOT a humane society,
.They don't focus on rescuing animals, and
.They use their donors' money to line their own pockets and attack our
way of life.
The majority of Americans (71% in fact) believe HSUS to be a collection of local humane societies. They would be wrong.
The net assets HSUS had at the end of 2009 was $187 Million. They released the fact that they have $2.6 Million of their tax free donation money placed in an employee retirement fund. They spent over $48 Million last year for fund raising dinners and other events to hob nob with the rich Hollywood celebrities and gather the mother load that these famous people are asked to donate.
If you are sending these people the requested donation of $19 per month which they ask for in their TV ad, then you should now be feeling like a dummy. They never got that far with me.
Less than 1% of their total donations goes toward helping any animal in any way. They do not own a single animal shelter and are not in the business of finding animals new homes as their ads suggest.
Below is a spoof ad film produced by people who are against the HSUS and their onion cutting tactics to get people to part with their hard earned money. I even know a few kids who worked during the summer to gather up money from odd jobs thinking that they were doing a good deed by sending this hard earned money to HSUS.
HSUS: Lawyers In Cages
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTrhQd9GHlE
Here is a site with more facts about the HSUS and their agenda.
http://protecttheharvest.com/
It seems like the people who really care about the earth, protecting the animals, and tending the land are being used to gather money which will later be used to destroy everything that they hold important.
Groups like these work like Monsanto and Tyson. If you give them money somewhere down the chain they will eventually own your soul and put you out of business or destroy your personal way of life.
I watched the show Houston SPCA on Animal planet and have never before seen a smoother job done of stealing livestock from farmers and ranchers. One complaint was supposedly reported about a mame goat and tyhe SPCA showed up with livestock trailers and the local police force to force compliance and removal of all animals on the premises.
There were no abused nor starved animals on the entire place but every animal was seized and hauled away just because of one goat with a bad front leg. I am not an educated Veteranarian with a degree but I could tell just from looking that the only thing wrong with the goat was that it had arthritis in it's knee as is common in the entire species.
Before the show was over the judge awarded custody of the LIVESTOCK to the SPCA who had already scattered them to the 4 winds and had them in the custody of their close friends within the week. The real owners were still going to legally contest the decision [supposed to be just a hearing] and the SPCA also tagged the owners in court with a Vet bill for over $5,000 and that wasn't counting feed and care. That was for vet inspection and the care of one old goat with an arthritic knee. Who could afford vet care for their livestock with standard fees like those?
Sunday, August 12, 2012
The Old Fashioned Way
I came across an OLD book, 100 years old at least; that goes into how to run a household. It is over 1000 pages long and has such interesting subjects as how to purify water, make soap, can, and even 'workroom' items like metal working.
HOUSEHOLD DISCOVERY
Enjoy! :)
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Seniors Wedding
Dennis, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Buffalo , are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Dennis suggests they go in.
Dennis addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers," Yes."
Dennis: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Dennis: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Dennis: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Dennis: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Dennis: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Dennis: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Dennis: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Dennis: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Dennis: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Dennis: " We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Dennis suggests they go in.
Dennis addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers," Yes."
Dennis: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."
Dennis: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Dennis: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Dennis: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"
Dennis: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Dennis: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Dennis: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."
Dennis: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Dennis: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."
Dennis: " We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
Monday, June 25, 2012
An EXCELLENT topic on a blog:
"Home on the Range" has an excellent blog today on Chivalry.
Everyone NEEDS TO GO HERE AND READ IT!
Then when you get done, you need to share!!!
take care and have a great day!
Everyone NEEDS TO GO HERE AND READ IT!
Then when you get done, you need to share!!!
take care and have a great day!
Sunday, June 24, 2012
I found this site....
Hi all,
I found a site today, whilst looking for some plant ID information that literally has over a hundred free downloads on all kinds of survival situations and just plain good sense information for situations that you may not be use to.
HERE IS THE LINK. It's called Preppers custom search.
So far the information is pretty clear, cut and dry; basic....but seems to be fairly current.
Have fun, I've been stuck on the page for over an hour already. And have downloaded over a dozen things so far....
I found a site today, whilst looking for some plant ID information that literally has over a hundred free downloads on all kinds of survival situations and just plain good sense information for situations that you may not be use to.
HERE IS THE LINK. It's called Preppers custom search.
So far the information is pretty clear, cut and dry; basic....but seems to be fairly current.
Have fun, I've been stuck on the page for over an hour already. And have downloaded over a dozen things so far....
Saturday, June 23, 2012
So I had to go back and actually LOOK
I've seen people post their "blog anniversary" on their blogs and since I've never done that I did not realize just long I've been "blogging".
I started this little blog on Sept 30, 2008! wow! how time flies. That one little blog is now "three".
And it seems I have to find a new camera or find my charger for the one I do have. It's funny, I had someone break into my house and they stole my old camera but left the charger now I have a new camera and have lost the charger....I wish they were a fit! (nope!)
So anyways, to all you bloggers out there; whenever your "anniversary" is, have a great day and keep on bloggin'!
I started this little blog on Sept 30, 2008! wow! how time flies. That one little blog is now "three".
And it seems I have to find a new camera or find my charger for the one I do have. It's funny, I had someone break into my house and they stole my old camera but left the charger now I have a new camera and have lost the charger....I wish they were a fit! (nope!)
So anyways, to all you bloggers out there; whenever your "anniversary" is, have a great day and keep on bloggin'!
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Questions
Questions
1) What do you do when friends or family pull out a camera? Hide, pose, smile, pull out your own camera and take a photo of whatever they are photographing, or something else?
I hate my picture taken so I hide or grab their camera and break it.
2) Did you take any type of music lesson in elementary school?
for about two weeks, my mom let me take guitar lessons, but I loved them so she stopped them... "too expensive" was the excuse. I don't know, they may have been.
3) What is your favorite color of cat (even if you aren't a cat person)?
Dark smokey grey
4) What did you have for dinner yesterday?
uhm, nothing? I guess it depends on when "dinner" is: in the north, it is the last meal of the day but here in the south it is the second meal of the day (lunch); so if we are talking "dinner" as in "lunch", I had about a cup of mac and cheese; if we are talking a yankee dinner, nothing.
5) Do your feet hit the floor running in the morning, or do you drag your self out of bed?
This depends on how bad I need to pee....
sorry about the NO separations... Hate this new blogger.... ugh.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Do you have long hair gentlemen (and ladies)
Here may be why:
THE TRUTH ABOUT HAIR AND WHY INDIANS WOULD KEEP THEIR HAIR LONG
Now I have very long hair and I thought I was a bit eccentric because I can totally relate to this article. Always when my hair is longer I can 'sense' things much better. And I can tell the difference from when I pull it up in a bun like mess or put it in a braid.
And I wonder if there is any connection of why I like long hair on men... SOME men ... not all... some just look tacky. No offense intended there fella's.
Maybe it helps I've some Native American in me? lol!
Anyways a VERY interesting article.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Things I miss about Michigan...
I was raised in Michigan and no longer live there. I never thought I would miss ANYTHING from there but now that I'm older (and wiser) I find myself looking back and longing for a few things.....
1) Kogel's meats: especially their Vienna Weiners and pickled bologna
2) Sunset at 10PM in the summer!
3) all the LAKES!!!!
4) Thunderstorms
5) My gramma's house
6) Pickin' berries "up north" at my other grandma's
7) NO chiggers!!!! or Ticks!!!
8) the small town "cheese" that tastes SO GOOD!! Colby that LOOKS and tastes like COLBY!
9) "Hadly Hills" (small out of the way place where we kids could ROAM in the "wild", use to be a cave there but someone shot it up and it collapsed just before we moved back in .... 1970 something...
10) the OLD cool looking houses
11) small family farms
12) deer hunting in the winter, trudging through snow and stepping in small creeks where you get soaked and have to go home and drink hot chocolate while you sit with your bare feet up in front of the stove
13) SNOW -but I hear there is not too much there now a days :(
14) The schools! GASP! Did I just say that??? lol! I will deny it if anyone tells!
15) going UP NORTH!
16) living on a 'mitten'
17) being an hour ahead of "everyone" hehehe
18) being on the far FAR FAR end of the New Madrid fault (instead of being smack dab on it)
19) the not so humid humidity (much less than down here in the south)
20) the people who talk fast and in an interesting accent
21) the get it done NOW attitude (not like down here where the attitude is "we'll git 'raund to et"
22) gardening seemed so much easier up there!!
23) smelt dippin'
24) pan fry perch for breakfast
25) did I mention all the LAKES???
26) Bob Seger
27) the Great LAKES!
28) The Lighthouse cheeseburgers!
29) handymen! (are there still handymen around there???)
30) white birch trees!
Sadly all these wonderful things cannot lure me back to MI because there is one con that prevents it: my evil stepmother. 'nough said about that.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Breast feed your kids until they are how old?
ok, I'm all for breast feeding your baby but a three year child?
TIME has done a story on this
The link just talks about the magazine and shows the cover. Yes that is a three year boy standing on a chair and breast feeding from his mom.
I'm not really sure if I want to read the actual article or not.
TIME has done a story on this
The link just talks about the magazine and shows the cover. Yes that is a three year boy standing on a chair and breast feeding from his mom.
I'm not really sure if I want to read the actual article or not.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Mosquito eaters...?
That's what I call them, but never seen any eat any skeeters!!!!
sorry for any blurriness, it was me; just ain't got a steady hand anymore.
yeah, I caught some hankie pankie goin' on! lol!
sorry for any blurriness, it was me; just ain't got a steady hand anymore.
yeah, I caught some hankie pankie goin' on! lol!
So do you agree that this is "ART"?
My college had this latest piece of ART on campus:
How about this?
or maybe this? (btw, there was a display inside the library of a "package" and somehow the memo did not get all around to all members of the staff that it would be there so they called 911 and the bomb squad. They evacuated the library too. lol)
oh and I must not forget the "Monster" that is NOT really a piece of art but just a structure that ran out of money to finish:
How about this?
or maybe this? (btw, there was a display inside the library of a "package" and somehow the memo did not get all around to all members of the staff that it would be there so they called 911 and the bomb squad. They evacuated the library too. lol)
oh and I must not forget the "Monster" that is NOT really a piece of art but just a structure that ran out of money to finish:
Monday, May 7, 2012
soon to be mine, all MINE!!!! MINE I SAY!
Here is the place I bought them..... look around and maybe you'll find a few new toys too! I've been saving up for something special for myself :D
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
Beautiful Day out there today
It's a cooler day, with a brisk invigorating breeze but the sun is out and it's no wonder I'm not losing any weight on my walks! I stop too much to look at stuff! lol!
Saw a Canadian Goose on campus today. Not sure what he was doing there but I did not see any lady geese around... I think he was lost and being a male did not want to ask for directions!
have a great day!
Saw a Canadian Goose on campus today. Not sure what he was doing there but I did not see any lady geese around... I think he was lost and being a male did not want to ask for directions!
have a great day!
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Let's Get out there and ENJOY some nature!
.....errrr, never mind, let's just go back inside and have some coffee.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
the latest EXECUTIVE ORDER
If you want to truly understand the latest "executive order" that has been signed, check it out here. Yeah, she does interject a few comments.
FRIPPERY FARM
FRIPPERY FARM
Monday, March 19, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Why we love our children
Why we love children...
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mum, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..'
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the sauce out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle.
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my canine partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you've got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
DEATH
While walking along the footpath in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead bird. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wadding, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mumma, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mum, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..'
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the sauce out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle.
MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my canine partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you've got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
DEATH
While walking along the footpath in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead bird. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wadding, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mumma, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
Thursday, March 8, 2012
After birth abortion
As many of you may know, two scientists, excuse me: two "bioethicists" came out with a paper about a week or so ago stating that it is morally ok to perform after birth abortions.
HERE IS THE PAPER
So since they've open the flood gates so to say; let's list all the groups that are "not moral beings".
We've already got:
1. babies in the womb
2. babies right out of the womb
Now let's add:
3. all children, after all society does not consider them to be "morally able to make decisions" until they hit that magic number 18.
4. Anyone who cheats on their spouse. We all know that is not morally right; so anyone who does cheat shows they are not "moral beings"
5. Anyone who commits murder or fraud.
6. Child abusers
7. Anyone who abuses another
8. All politicians, since we all know they keep voting themselves more money when we "people" are struggling and that is definitely unethical and immoral
9. Let's not forget all the mentally handicapped, since they cannot make moral decisions
10. and our older ones, since many of them have Alzheimer's and dementia and thus cannot be "moral beings"
11. Anyone who allows a god/goddess or other "higher power" to decide their morals for them...after all, if they have to have someone else give them morals, then they cannot be moral persons.
12. Any atheists because we know that "they" don't have any morals at all
13. All homosexuals because we all "know" it's wrong to have sex with someone of your sex
14. All preachers who do not practice what they preach
15. Is anyone left? ah yes, one more
16. Anyone who believes any of this crap can go to number one and be first in line to be aborted
When value is removed from life, the living soul becomes less than a person, that makes it very easy to "abort" / "delete" / "remove" them.
Some people say we are judged as a society by how we treat the helpless and innocent ones in our society.
HERE IS THE PAPER
So since they've open the flood gates so to say; let's list all the groups that are "not moral beings".
We've already got:
1. babies in the womb
2. babies right out of the womb
Now let's add:
3. all children, after all society does not consider them to be "morally able to make decisions" until they hit that magic number 18.
4. Anyone who cheats on their spouse. We all know that is not morally right; so anyone who does cheat shows they are not "moral beings"
5. Anyone who commits murder or fraud.
6. Child abusers
7. Anyone who abuses another
8. All politicians, since we all know they keep voting themselves more money when we "people" are struggling and that is definitely unethical and immoral
9. Let's not forget all the mentally handicapped, since they cannot make moral decisions
10. and our older ones, since many of them have Alzheimer's and dementia and thus cannot be "moral beings"
11. Anyone who allows a god/goddess or other "higher power" to decide their morals for them...after all, if they have to have someone else give them morals, then they cannot be moral persons.
12. Any atheists because we know that "they" don't have any morals at all
13. All homosexuals because we all "know" it's wrong to have sex with someone of your sex
14. All preachers who do not practice what they preach
15. Is anyone left? ah yes, one more
16. Anyone who believes any of this crap can go to number one and be first in line to be aborted
When value is removed from life, the living soul becomes less than a person, that makes it very easy to "abort" / "delete" / "remove" them.
Some people say we are judged as a society by how we treat the helpless and innocent ones in our society.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Northern Mockingbirds
For over a week I was listening to the Male mockingbirds prepare their songs on campus. Hearing the many different males competing with their myriads of vocal renditions.
Well on this particular morning, I actually was honored to see a female check out one of these males. Oh she played coy and would flutter from limb to limb, just always slightly out of his reach...but he would still follow and do the deep throat sound that was more of a grunt as he would fluff his wings out slightly from his body and ruffle his back and neck feathers making himself both look bigger but also "better" than all those "other males".
They totally ignored me, who was no more than five feet away, frozen in movement and watching this courtship that few humans actually get to see.
Desperately wishing for my camera. Cursing myself for forgetting, while still being so determined to burn it all in my memory.
In the end, she did not find him worthy of being her mate and she flew away. He very briefly hung his head but then shook it off, knowing he did his best and flew back to the tippy top of the tree and began his courtship "come hither" song once more.
Well on this particular morning, I actually was honored to see a female check out one of these males. Oh she played coy and would flutter from limb to limb, just always slightly out of his reach...but he would still follow and do the deep throat sound that was more of a grunt as he would fluff his wings out slightly from his body and ruffle his back and neck feathers making himself both look bigger but also "better" than all those "other males".
They totally ignored me, who was no more than five feet away, frozen in movement and watching this courtship that few humans actually get to see.
Desperately wishing for my camera. Cursing myself for forgetting, while still being so determined to burn it all in my memory.
In the end, she did not find him worthy of being her mate and she flew away. He very briefly hung his head but then shook it off, knowing he did his best and flew back to the tippy top of the tree and began his courtship "come hither" song once more.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Different Kind of Morning for Me Today.
I'm still shaking.
It began normally, wake up a minute before the alarm goes off, get ready for work/school. Out the door fairly quick. Hesitate before I drive away to yell at the cats that seem to want to make my yard their home.
Drive down the road, hang a right....all normal
But just a bit down that street, I notice smoke... a LOT of smoke drifting over the road. It's coming from one street over to my left. Between the houses. I try to see where it is coming from and notice a fair large fire... It's all houses over there and NO ONE burns that EARLY in the morning (6am).
So I drive quickly to the next cross street and then up that road. Now I must mention that a truck was coming off of that road.
I drive up the street to the house that ....yes is beginning to burn. No one around.
I of course call 911 and begin to yell at the house as soon as I'm out of my van. I must have been very loud because the door opened after the second yell. The door opened and I was yelling "GET OUT! YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE!" And I swear it was not 20 seconds before people began to come out of the house; three actually came out of the house but I could see there was a man (in just his undies) still in the house kind of ....well it looked like he was trying to figure out what to put on. He never came out while I was there. It was the woman (the others looked like teenagers) that worked to put out the fire.
By now the police were there. It looked like someone plugged in an extension cord in the outside plug to something on the side of the house and it either over heated or somehow caught something on fire. I left as soon as the police arrived. I did so because there was nothing I could do anymore and I did not want to be in the way when the fire trucks came (nor blocked in).
Ok, so there is the basic set up of what happened this morning.
Now here is why I'm so upset and shaking.
While on the phone with the 911 operator, I could hear her talking with both the police and the fire department. It seemed like someone had already called in the fire. So if they were close enough to call, why did they not try to wake up the family?
This brought back some bad memories of when my apartments caught fire and the guy that was "cooking meth" that started the fire; did NOT try to wake up anyone. He just removed all his things and moved his truck (and hid the evidence). It was someone who woke up and saw the flames that woke everyone up.
The second thing that bothers me is the thought that I literally "could have" had lives literally in my hand. I could have just driven on and not bothered to go see what was going on. (Since that other fire, I cannot do that; I have to see the source of the fire....do you know how many leaf litter fires I've tracked down? lol)
And that is what bothers me. The thought that people could have died IF I had ignored that smoke. Because believe me, they had no clue and the fire was all over one side of their home.
And all that led me to me. I moan and groan and bitch about how the gene pool needs to be 'thinned' and how evil people should just be put out of 'our' misery. I think of all those I would zap if I had the super power of zapping. Someone in that house may have been one of those people I would have zapped out of existence.
But at that moment, all I wanted was everyone out and safe. Nothing else mattered. Not their bad deeds or good deeds. Just their lives.
I do not think I can properly express all the thoughts and emotions that went through me this morning in those few moments after I had left and the reality of all of it began to settle in my brain.
I'm thankful I may have been used to help save some lives. Who knows, they may have woken up in time and gotten out.
I'm humbled by the fragility of life. I'm humbled by the actions of the woman who fought to save her home. I'm saddened by the man who fumbled around inside the house in his undies and how he finally found a blanket to wrap up in but still did not come out.
I'm heartened by the teens who I saw trying to help the woman put the flames out.
I'm guessing that it was the man who left whatever it was that was plugged in -plugged in.
I'm refreshed...yes I know that is a weird emotion, but it is as close and I can think of right now; by how blue the sky is this morning, how sweet the air is that I breathe in, how warm the first rays of sunlight were, how silly the squirrels were this morning when they did their "danger cry" that sounds like they are farting really loud (I promise that is EXACTLY what it sounded like: a washboard fart), and peaceful knowing I cannot stand by and do nothing when the situation calls for action.
Nothing like an early morning fire to jerk your priorities and self-examination in line.
I hope YOU have a great day! "Make it so"
It began normally, wake up a minute before the alarm goes off, get ready for work/school. Out the door fairly quick. Hesitate before I drive away to yell at the cats that seem to want to make my yard their home.
Drive down the road, hang a right....all normal
But just a bit down that street, I notice smoke... a LOT of smoke drifting over the road. It's coming from one street over to my left. Between the houses. I try to see where it is coming from and notice a fair large fire... It's all houses over there and NO ONE burns that EARLY in the morning (6am).
So I drive quickly to the next cross street and then up that road. Now I must mention that a truck was coming off of that road.
I drive up the street to the house that ....yes is beginning to burn. No one around.
I of course call 911 and begin to yell at the house as soon as I'm out of my van. I must have been very loud because the door opened after the second yell. The door opened and I was yelling "GET OUT! YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE!" And I swear it was not 20 seconds before people began to come out of the house; three actually came out of the house but I could see there was a man (in just his undies) still in the house kind of ....well it looked like he was trying to figure out what to put on. He never came out while I was there. It was the woman (the others looked like teenagers) that worked to put out the fire.
By now the police were there. It looked like someone plugged in an extension cord in the outside plug to something on the side of the house and it either over heated or somehow caught something on fire. I left as soon as the police arrived. I did so because there was nothing I could do anymore and I did not want to be in the way when the fire trucks came (nor blocked in).
Ok, so there is the basic set up of what happened this morning.
Now here is why I'm so upset and shaking.
While on the phone with the 911 operator, I could hear her talking with both the police and the fire department. It seemed like someone had already called in the fire. So if they were close enough to call, why did they not try to wake up the family?
This brought back some bad memories of when my apartments caught fire and the guy that was "cooking meth" that started the fire; did NOT try to wake up anyone. He just removed all his things and moved his truck (and hid the evidence). It was someone who woke up and saw the flames that woke everyone up.
The second thing that bothers me is the thought that I literally "could have" had lives literally in my hand. I could have just driven on and not bothered to go see what was going on. (Since that other fire, I cannot do that; I have to see the source of the fire....do you know how many leaf litter fires I've tracked down? lol)
And that is what bothers me. The thought that people could have died IF I had ignored that smoke. Because believe me, they had no clue and the fire was all over one side of their home.
And all that led me to me. I moan and groan and bitch about how the gene pool needs to be 'thinned' and how evil people should just be put out of 'our' misery. I think of all those I would zap if I had the super power of zapping. Someone in that house may have been one of those people I would have zapped out of existence.
But at that moment, all I wanted was everyone out and safe. Nothing else mattered. Not their bad deeds or good deeds. Just their lives.
I do not think I can properly express all the thoughts and emotions that went through me this morning in those few moments after I had left and the reality of all of it began to settle in my brain.
I'm thankful I may have been used to help save some lives. Who knows, they may have woken up in time and gotten out.
I'm humbled by the fragility of life. I'm humbled by the actions of the woman who fought to save her home. I'm saddened by the man who fumbled around inside the house in his undies and how he finally found a blanket to wrap up in but still did not come out.
I'm heartened by the teens who I saw trying to help the woman put the flames out.
I'm guessing that it was the man who left whatever it was that was plugged in -plugged in.
I'm refreshed...yes I know that is a weird emotion, but it is as close and I can think of right now; by how blue the sky is this morning, how sweet the air is that I breathe in, how warm the first rays of sunlight were, how silly the squirrels were this morning when they did their "danger cry" that sounds like they are farting really loud (I promise that is EXACTLY what it sounded like: a washboard fart), and peaceful knowing I cannot stand by and do nothing when the situation calls for action.
Nothing like an early morning fire to jerk your priorities and self-examination in line.
I hope YOU have a great day! "Make it so"
Sunday, February 19, 2012
A "Sign" of the Times?
I've been by the "Store" every day, twice a day, for over two years. Yesterday morning there were bright neon pink signs over all the windows and doors, effectively "sealing" the small building up. One sign was at least three feet square.
The business? A Dog Groomers called "The Shaggy Dog". How often I ever saw anyone actually there? Once there was about 8 cars "after hours" and once I actually saw a dog being groomed through one of the huge windows in the small building.
What did the signs say? "CLOSED FOR NON-PAYMENT OF SALES TAXES"
What the heck? I have NEVER seen a sign like that. That place never did any business! How could they even HAVE sales tax?
I'm sure this is just the beginning of things like this happening.
And yet the same town opened four new restaurants in the last month or so and every day they are packed. I've yet seen the parking lots have few enough cars in them for me to even think about checking them out. Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Cheddar's, and Pandera Bread.
Worked on my own personal income taxes; actually made LESS than last year but will receive almost $300 LESS back. Not even enough to actually pay to have my taxes done. I usually get enough to pay off my state taxes, personal county taxes, pay to have my taxes done, and go out to a nice place for dinner with my family.
Went and picked up a few groceries yesterday and a 5# bag of sugar had risen in price $1.58 in two days.
Yes I do think the "end" is closer than ever.
The business? A Dog Groomers called "The Shaggy Dog". How often I ever saw anyone actually there? Once there was about 8 cars "after hours" and once I actually saw a dog being groomed through one of the huge windows in the small building.
What did the signs say? "CLOSED FOR NON-PAYMENT OF SALES TAXES"
What the heck? I have NEVER seen a sign like that. That place never did any business! How could they even HAVE sales tax?
I'm sure this is just the beginning of things like this happening.
And yet the same town opened four new restaurants in the last month or so and every day they are packed. I've yet seen the parking lots have few enough cars in them for me to even think about checking them out. Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Cheddar's, and Pandera Bread.
Worked on my own personal income taxes; actually made LESS than last year but will receive almost $300 LESS back. Not even enough to actually pay to have my taxes done. I usually get enough to pay off my state taxes, personal county taxes, pay to have my taxes done, and go out to a nice place for dinner with my family.
Went and picked up a few groceries yesterday and a 5# bag of sugar had risen in price $1.58 in two days.
Yes I do think the "end" is closer than ever.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
I may have posted these before, but they are funny enough for a repost :)
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head."
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes in verse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off a bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head."
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes in verse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off a bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "Dam!"
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Just cause someone out there needs a good laugh like I did!
as a wildlife biologist; I have to really appreciate the winner!
You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2011 Darwin Awards:
Eighth Place:
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet
of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place:
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place:
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place:
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place:
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place:
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the
front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION:
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.
RUNNER UP:
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his
constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves...' Shit happens'
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.
You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2011 Darwin Awards:
Eighth Place:
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet
of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place:
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place:
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place:
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place:
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place:
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the
front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION:
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.
RUNNER UP:
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his
constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves...' Shit happens'
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Dead Horse Theory
Dead Horse Theory
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead
horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's
performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more
to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And, of course...
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead
horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's
performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more
to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And, of course...
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Signs that you are no longer a kid (or even close)...
(excuse me while I cry...)
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with "Because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word equity means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with "Because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word equity means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
Monday, January 9, 2012
40 rules to live by
-for men! (cause everyone knows we women are perfect and need no rules!):
1. Never ask a woman if she wants to have sex by asking her if she wants to have sex.
2. It is more important to have good health insurance than good health.
3. Don't bluff more than once in a poker game with friends.
4. When one of the big bosses at work unexpectedly says something really cheery and friendly to you, he means absolutely nothing by it. Not even if he's your father.
5. Wear as much black as you can. It makes you look slimmer and cooler. But avoid black jeans.
6. When someone in your family is going through a divorce, always side with the blood relative.
7. Pointedly praising something unusual a person owns or has done will make you appear far smarter in his eyes than a 10-minute discourse on world events.
8. Yes, speak softly and carry a big stick. But don't mumble. And don't swing the stick.
9. The man who can't dance, can't converse, and can't provide psychological support to a woman is only half a man; the other half can't cook, can't clean, and badly wants a drink.
10. Do not get a visible tattoo larger than your penis.
11. Be aware that most people are operating on a very condensed version of the 10 Commandments: the part about murder.
12. There will be times when good neighbors are more important than a good neighborhood.
13. Telling a woman, "You're a great person," is taken as the lead-in to a confession that you don't love her.
14. Trying to "teach someone a lesson" never works.
15. Easy on the mayo!
16. Be careful about publicly discussing your hobbies, as most hobbies strike people as somewhat pathetic: most notably, collecting stamps, coins, or anything else, bird-watching, bowling, rockhounding, spelunking, table tennis, poetry, dog shows, chat rooms, polka music, yoga, herpetology, marathon running, and religion. The only hobbies you can safely own up to when among people you need to impress are fly-fishing and golf.
17. Never buy anyone a gift at a kiosk.
18. Never wear clothing that your coworkers avoid—the bow tie, the suspenders, the green suit. While you might think you're expressing your individuality, your colleagues will perceive it as a rejection of their group culture; you'll become a person who probably can't be trusted.
19. Do not bring lunch to work.
20. Rainbows are God's way of reminding us that beauty is an optical illusion, except in sports cars.
21. You will never become a rock star.
22. As you go through life, you will discover that more and more of the subjects you studied in college are useless, with the exception of abnormal psychology.
23. Never make any sort of generalization concerning gender, even if it's so true God himself would back you up.
24. Telling a person in management, "I'm a bit of a philosopher," means you're a total loser.
25. When running in the park on a hot day, do not take off your shirt if you are a really hairy sonofabitch.
26. Never hesitate to admit the error of your ways, when under oath in federal court.
27. Always wear freshly laundered or pressed clothing to work. Even one wrinkle will have certain coworkers creating—and perhaps sharing—scenarios of debauchery or financial distress.
28. Do not say hi to a perfect stranger in any town with a population over 2,000. The friendly gesture in Beaver Dam Falls is a scary act of aggression in Boston.
29. Always imply, in every possible way, that the person you're talking to is smarter, better-looking, slimmer, and more successful than they really are.
30. When choosing a bottle of wine to bring to a dinner party, spend between 10 and 15 dollars. That's for a bottle, not a gallon.
31. Do not come on to the new female pastor, unless she winks at you during the sermon.
32. An ounce of appearance is worth a pound of substance.
33. The way a woman looks, acts, and talks says nothing about how good she is in bed.
34. It is okay to admit in conversation that your accountant used his imagination to save you $500 in taxes, but never admit you saved 5 bucks by refilling the vodka bottle in the minibar with water.
35. Never get into a pissing match via e-mail. If he forwards, you lose.
36. Never suggest to another person at the gym that he's not working hard enough to accomplish anything.
37. People who live in glass houses are idiots.
38. Going insane while watching a great football game is a sign of mental health.
39. When a man meets another man, bonding begins when they both say things they hope no one else hears.
40. The person who sincerely says to you, "I want to get to know you better," is a person you don't want to know at all.
1. Never ask a woman if she wants to have sex by asking her if she wants to have sex.
2. It is more important to have good health insurance than good health.
3. Don't bluff more than once in a poker game with friends.
4. When one of the big bosses at work unexpectedly says something really cheery and friendly to you, he means absolutely nothing by it. Not even if he's your father.
5. Wear as much black as you can. It makes you look slimmer and cooler. But avoid black jeans.
6. When someone in your family is going through a divorce, always side with the blood relative.
7. Pointedly praising something unusual a person owns or has done will make you appear far smarter in his eyes than a 10-minute discourse on world events.
8. Yes, speak softly and carry a big stick. But don't mumble. And don't swing the stick.
9. The man who can't dance, can't converse, and can't provide psychological support to a woman is only half a man; the other half can't cook, can't clean, and badly wants a drink.
10. Do not get a visible tattoo larger than your penis.
11. Be aware that most people are operating on a very condensed version of the 10 Commandments: the part about murder.
12. There will be times when good neighbors are more important than a good neighborhood.
13. Telling a woman, "You're a great person," is taken as the lead-in to a confession that you don't love her.
14. Trying to "teach someone a lesson" never works.
15. Easy on the mayo!
16. Be careful about publicly discussing your hobbies, as most hobbies strike people as somewhat pathetic: most notably, collecting stamps, coins, or anything else, bird-watching, bowling, rockhounding, spelunking, table tennis, poetry, dog shows, chat rooms, polka music, yoga, herpetology, marathon running, and religion. The only hobbies you can safely own up to when among people you need to impress are fly-fishing and golf.
17. Never buy anyone a gift at a kiosk.
18. Never wear clothing that your coworkers avoid—the bow tie, the suspenders, the green suit. While you might think you're expressing your individuality, your colleagues will perceive it as a rejection of their group culture; you'll become a person who probably can't be trusted.
19. Do not bring lunch to work.
20. Rainbows are God's way of reminding us that beauty is an optical illusion, except in sports cars.
21. You will never become a rock star.
22. As you go through life, you will discover that more and more of the subjects you studied in college are useless, with the exception of abnormal psychology.
23. Never make any sort of generalization concerning gender, even if it's so true God himself would back you up.
24. Telling a person in management, "I'm a bit of a philosopher," means you're a total loser.
25. When running in the park on a hot day, do not take off your shirt if you are a really hairy sonofabitch.
26. Never hesitate to admit the error of your ways, when under oath in federal court.
27. Always wear freshly laundered or pressed clothing to work. Even one wrinkle will have certain coworkers creating—and perhaps sharing—scenarios of debauchery or financial distress.
28. Do not say hi to a perfect stranger in any town with a population over 2,000. The friendly gesture in Beaver Dam Falls is a scary act of aggression in Boston.
29. Always imply, in every possible way, that the person you're talking to is smarter, better-looking, slimmer, and more successful than they really are.
30. When choosing a bottle of wine to bring to a dinner party, spend between 10 and 15 dollars. That's for a bottle, not a gallon.
31. Do not come on to the new female pastor, unless she winks at you during the sermon.
32. An ounce of appearance is worth a pound of substance.
33. The way a woman looks, acts, and talks says nothing about how good she is in bed.
34. It is okay to admit in conversation that your accountant used his imagination to save you $500 in taxes, but never admit you saved 5 bucks by refilling the vodka bottle in the minibar with water.
35. Never get into a pissing match via e-mail. If he forwards, you lose.
36. Never suggest to another person at the gym that he's not working hard enough to accomplish anything.
37. People who live in glass houses are idiots.
38. Going insane while watching a great football game is a sign of mental health.
39. When a man meets another man, bonding begins when they both say things they hope no one else hears.
40. The person who sincerely says to you, "I want to get to know you better," is a person you don't want to know at all.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Ode to real men
Here’s to all the Real Men out there...
Boys play house.
Men build homes.
Boys shack up.
Men get married.
Boys make babies.
Men raise children.
A boy won’t raise his own children
A man will raise someone else’s.
Boys invent excuses for failure.
Men produce strategies for success.
Boys look for somebody to take care of them.
Men look for someone to take care of.
Boys seek popularity.
Men demand respect and know how to give it.
_______________________
This is why I love men. I have a sneaking suspicion that women who hate men have never met any. They've only known boys.
I ...uhhm....borrowed this from RURAL REVOLUTION, a good site! you should check it out.
Boys play house.
Men build homes.
Boys shack up.
Men get married.
Boys make babies.
Men raise children.
A boy won’t raise his own children
A man will raise someone else’s.
Boys invent excuses for failure.
Men produce strategies for success.
Boys look for somebody to take care of them.
Men look for someone to take care of.
Boys seek popularity.
Men demand respect and know how to give it.
_______________________
This is why I love men. I have a sneaking suspicion that women who hate men have never met any. They've only known boys.
I ...uhhm....borrowed this from RURAL REVOLUTION, a good site! you should check it out.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Children are Quick! lol!
Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
(Now, this child suits me to a "T".):
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. (LOL!)
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
(Now, this child suits me to a "T".):
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. (LOL!)
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
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